Creationism and its Drawbacks
by Tobias Charity
Summary: The Law & Order and Law & Order: SVU characters assist the author in the creation of a disturbingly perfect orginal character. Note: *Very* minor, harmless slash references.


Title: Creationism and its Drawbacks  
  
Author: Tobias Charity  
  
Rating: PG. Pure, unadulterated silliness, with some harmless *slash* references thrown in. Since the characters themselves are reluctant, I assure you the author is as well.  
  
Feedback: is my harmless drug. writer525@hotmail.com  
  
Pairing: None, and all. Hee!  
  
Summary: The author toys with the L&O and L&O SVU characters for a while.  
  
Disclaimer: What do I own? Not a thing.  
  
Author's Notes: Unbetaed. Sorry. Also, this is a parody of original characters. Sorry. *grins guiltily* Oh yeah, and I'm very, very, very sorry if Kacey aka Aphreal is unhappy with her very brief cameo in this fic. If so, Kacey, mail me and I will remove it immediately.  
  
XXX  
  
The apartment was small but tidy and brightly lit. Three people who were theoretically only supposed to exist on television were sprawled on a couch against the wall of the tiny living room, while five others who were also nonexistent in the real world were lounging on the floor, one buried in a book from an extensive collection and the others carefully watching a dark-haired young woman who was hunched over a keyboard.  
  
"Done yet?" Abbie Carmichael asked, shooting an annoyed look at the typist.  
  
"Piss off, Carmichael. He'll be done when I say he's done."  
  
"Wait, it's a he?" Fin questioned. "I thought it was going to be a she."  
  
"Nope." The woman shook her head. "Female Mary Sues are too common in all the universes, and I wanted to try my hand at a Marty Stu. Besides, you're all just here as a figment of my imagination, and if you'd rather get back to solving dull, over worked crimes and trying cases that have been done a million times before, that's fine with me."  
  
"Whoa, no." Lennie held up his hands. "Wife kills husband for money but it turns out to be the daughter. That's my lineup for the next three years. I'd rather be sitting on some collage student's couch creating imaginary characters for the fun of it."  
  
All of the other people mumbled their agreement.  
  
"There." The writer tapped at the keys a few more times and then sat back in the chair, satisfied. "Give it a sec, and then we get to have fun."  
  
Slowly, so slowly, a figure vaguely male in shape shimmered out of the air. It had no face, no features, and was simply a flesh-colored outline of a human body.  
  
"Let's try eye color first. Olivia, any suggestions?"  
  
Benson shrugged. "Eh. Something unusual. Blue?"  
  
"Blue?" Elliot scoffed. "Blue's not unusual. It's a recessive gene, sure, but it's not as original as say, aquamarine."  
  
"Aquamarine?" Jack shot Elliot a scornful look. "You can't give a normal human being aquamarine eyes."  
  
"But it's not a normal human being, Jack." Munch spoke up for the first time, pointing at a paragraph in the thick tome he'd been perusing. "See, it says here in the 'Mary Sue Guidelines' that Mary Sues, or Marty Stus for that matter, are super-human characters that everyone loves, adores, worships, etcetera. They've got abilities far beyond that of regular people, and are usually the characterization of the author. That's why Mary Sues are sometimes referred to as self-insertions." Munch finished quoting the book and looked up to find Jack sitting with his arms folded, a disgruntled look on his face.  
  
"Fine, then, let's just get this over with so I can go back to doing something useful."  
  
"I vote for purple," Ed said suddenly from his position on the floor. "Purple eyes, I mean. Or violet. After all, who has violet eyes?"  
  
"This is a man," Abbie reminded him. "Men don't usually have purple eyes. Let's have...coal black."  
  
"I have black eyes," Jack pointed out. "That's not odd or unusual."  
  
"I thought you were against this," Lennie said from the other end of the couch.  
  
Jack shrugged. "Hey, if I gotta be here, I'm gonna have some fun."  
  
"Forest green, then," Olivia suggested.  
  
Munch slowly shook his head. "Nah...why don't we decided what his hair color will be first? After all, if he's got hot pink eyes and black hair, that'll look a little funky."  
  
"I go for the tall, dark and handsome look myself," Abbie volunteered. "I like Olivia's forest green eyes, with really black hair."  
  
"Long, too, so you can run your fingers through it." Olivia said, a far off look on her face.  
  
"The guy won't be for you ladies, you know," Munch said. He ignored the sounds of outrage from the two women and continued speaking. "Mary Sues, ah, hell, Marty Stus are usually created in the interest of having one of the author's favorite characters fall in love with MS, thereby generating jealousy in the author's *other* favorite character because that character, we'll call him Bob, has realized that he's truly in love with Bill, the character who fell in love with MS. MS dies a tragic death, Bob turns to Bill for comfort..." Munch trailed off and shrugged. "The rest gets pretty explicit."  
  
"Did you just read that whole book in what, ten minutes?" Elliot said, his head tilted back against the wall as he surveyed the room with amusement.  
  
"So this is *slash*?" Ed said, sounding more than slightly alarmed. "Thank God I'm nobody's favorite character."  
  
"I second that," Finn muttered.  
  
"I wouldn't be so certain, Finn," said the author, who had been idly tapping keys and trying not to look amused while someone else's creations argued over her own Frankenstein-ish man's eye color. "I hear Kacey aka Aphreal has her eye on you for some Munch/Finn action."  
  
Finn looked positively horrified and slunk off to the kitchen, muttering something about food, while Munch leered suggestively at him from the couch.  
  
"So we have hair and eye color--" Abbie started, and the author nodded, typing something in on her keyboard. An incandescent mist swirled around the figure and he suddenly had a full head of black hair and piercing green eyes.  
  
"Weird," muttered Lennie, suppressing a shudder.  
  
"What else?" The typist said.  
  
"He's gotta be super gorgeous," Olivia supplied.  
  
"I thought we'd established this guy wasn't for you," Finn said, reappearing from the kitchen, an overstuffed sandwich in hand.  
  
Benson shrugged. "Hey, if I can't have him, two handsome guys going at it are just as good."  
  
All six of the men in the room responded with expressions of complete disgust, while Abbie and the author nodded their agreement.  
  
"Let's try personality now," Munch suggested, to rid himself of the disturbing image of the faceless Marty Stu and himself in bed together.  
  
"Give him high intelligence," Jack said.  
  
"And not just brains," Lennie added. "He can't sit there quoting obscure philosophers all day like someone else."  
  
"There's nothing wrong with obscure philosophers," Munch objected.  
  
Elliot rolled his eyes. "How about...street smarts? He can handle himself on a case and not collapse under pressure."  
  
"He's a detective?" Jack questioned. "Since when?"  
  
"Since the detectives in this room outnumbered the lawyers," Finn shot back.  
  
"Social skills are important," Ed interjected. "Make him personable and able to carry on a good conversation."  
  
The author was frantically typing on the keyboard and a thick cloud was swirling around the figure.  
  
"If he's a detective, he's gotta have a good clearance rate."  
  
"Sixty percent."  
  
"Eighty."  
  
"One hundred!"  
  
"And never gets in battles with lawyers and judges," Finn added, shooting a pissed look at Jack, who scowled back at him.  
  
"He does everything right the first time."  
  
"Perfect, you mean."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Abbie held up her hands. "Whoa, guys, aren't you getting a little carried away here? You don't even know who's getting paired with Marty."  
  
"And we have to change his name," Ed said. "Marty? What kind of a name is that?"  
  
"You name them last," Munch said, pointing to the book again.  
  
"That's right," Jack said suddenly. "Abbie's got a point. Who is getting paired with Marty Stu?"  
  
The author turned to face them, setting her chin in her hands. "That depends. Munch, of course, since he's my favorite character, but I'm not quite certain who I want to be the jealous one."  
  
The five other men in the room cast Munch looks of sympathy. He waved them away.  
  
"Save your pity for when I find out who my lover is," he said morosely.  
  
"Lennie or Jack," the author mused. "Hmm..."  
  
Both of the marked men let out loud groans.  
  
"I know!" the author said suddenly, a flash of brilliance striking her. "I'll make it a threesome!"  
  
Jack suddenly shot up off the couch, took two long legged strides to the computer and ripped the plug out of the wall. The computer let out a noise like a dying animal and the half-formed Marty Stu blinked out of existence.  
  
The rest of the characters slowly faded away, all with relieved expressions on their faces, leaving the author in her chair, a bewildered look on her face.  
  
"I was only joking..."  
  
/fin/ 


End file.
